


shouganai

by andtheny



Series: Five is a problem solver [15]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst and Humor, Baby Five, Brother Feels, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Dynamics, Family Fluff, Gen, Heroism, POV Alternating, POV Diego Hargreeves, POV Number Five | The Boy, Stuttering Diego Hargreeves, Time Shenanigans, Young Number Five | The Boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:15:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29640075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andtheny/pseuds/andtheny
Summary: "Don't you ever think it would be nice to have a normal life? To just… to get the chance to be a normal kid?""Dad ruined that for us," Diego said. "And anyway, what's so great about being 'normal' huh? You want to be EXTRA ordinary?""Diego makes a good point," Five said.___________________Or, Diego and Five are heroes. But heroes can't solve everything.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy & Diego Hargreeves
Series: Five is a problem solver [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1977970
Comments: 38
Kudos: 49





	1. Too cute when you pout

_All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way._

_― Leo Tolstoy_

  
  


Thanksgiving. The big one. The family holiday to end all family holidays. 

He'd be lying if he said he wasn't bitter. Of course he was bitter. This was _supposed_ to be their first year together, but then Five had to go and erase his memories like a goddamn lunatic. 

Diego sighed. 

"It's not _my_ fault," Five grumbled. "Don't you look at me like that." 

"I fucking know," Diego said. "You think I can't tell you two apart?" 

Now _Five_ sighed. 

"Listen," Diego said. "My… my friend invited me to her house for Thanksgiving." 

"What friend?" Five said. "The lady Detective?" 

"Yeah," Diego said. "It's just her and her old man, so… they said the more the merrier. Or whatever." 

"Oh yeah?" Five said. "You have fun with that." 

"The fuck," Diego said. "You're coming too, doofus." 

"The hell I am," Five said. 

"C'mon," Diego said. "Can't you do me a solid? Just this once?" 

"You don't have to babysit," Five said. "Mom's still here." 

And everyone else was in California, celebrating Thanksgiving with the new Old Five. 

Like the boot licking dumbasses they were. 

"Mom is coming with us," Diego said. 

"Fuck you," Five said. "She would hate that." 

Diego frowned. "What? No, she wouldn't." 

Five scowled. "Did you even _ask_ her? Or you just decided you'd bring her along like a pretty accessory?" 

Diego blinked. He hadn't asked her. Yet. 

"Imbecile," Five said. "Mom can't _eat._ That's the entire point of Thanksgiving, isn't it? You really going to make her sit at a table with a couple of strangers and, what, expect her to politely smile at them while they stuff themselves?" 

"Uh," Diego said. "Um, but… shit." 

"Uh huh," Five said. "You go ahead and ask her. Bet she'll say no." 

"Thanksgiving is- is important though," Diego mumbled. "Like… symbolically?" 

"We already _had_ a symbolic Thanksgiving," Five said. "Wasn't that the whole point of Allison's visit?" 

"Yeah, but-" 

"Nope," Five said. "Not another word." 

Diego glared at him. "Listen you arrogant little-" 

Five teleported. 

"God fucking dammit," Diego said. "Fuck you too!"

 _It's fine,_ Diego thought. _The little turd wouldn't leave the house… right?_

To be sure, Diego decided to call him. 

Five answered immediately. "Fuck off," he said. "I'm in the kitchen." 

"Alright," Diego said. "Just checking." 

Five didn't respond. Diego looked at his phone. The call had already ended.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


To be _double_ sure, Diego went to the kitchen. He heard Five and Mom's voices, though, and lingered out of sight. 

"They should make up their minds," Five was saying. "Are you a person or aren't you?" 

"Sweetie," Mom said. "You don't have to get offended on my behalf." 

"Excuse you," Five said. "I do what I want." 

Mom giggled. "You're such a stubborn young man!" 

"I'm a _practical_ young man," Five said. "I just think-" 

Diego covered his ears and backed away as quietly as possible, grinning to himself.

Eavesdropping was a scummy thing to do, after all, so he wouldn't do it. 

_I'm better than that,_ Diego thought. _I'm not like Klaus, for fuck's sake._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It was a normal stake out. Sort of. The main difference was: someone was paying him to do it. 

Diego had toyed with the idea of being a Private Investigator plenty of times, but he'd always felt scummy about the money part. 

Back before… everything… he'd had a decent enough paycheck working at Al's Gym. Plus, more freedom to investigate what he wanted, how he wanted, when he wanted. A win, win, win.

But _now_ he was living in his goddamn childhood bedroom on _Luther's_ dime. 

That was just plain old unacceptable. 

So the P.I thing. The pay was dogshit, so far, but down the road it might get better. The plan was simple: Just build a solid reputation, establish a steady stream of clients, then move out of the fucking house. 

Simple.

So tonight, Diego was stalking a stalker. 

_Same as any other stakeout,_ Diego thought. _And this lowlife is a shit stain anyway._

Like most stakeouts, it was about patience. It was about keeping your guard up, for hours on end, in case your target made a move. 

Usually, Diego kept his phone on silent. 

Silence was _important_ on a stake out. 

However, this time, the piercing wail of a fucking cellphone broke the silence like a goddamn baby that had lost its binky. 

Diego scrambled for his phone, cursing to himself, but then discovered: his phone was not ringing. 

The sound cut off on its own and Diego tensed. Was it the stalker? Did that fucker get the drop on him? 

"Well, this is embarrassing." 

Diego spun around to glare into the shadows of the backseat. 

"What the _fuck,"_ Diego snarled. "You scared the shit out of me!" 

Five sat up and nonchalantly dusted himself off. 

"Explain yourself," Diego said. 

Five pursed his lips. "I have a perfectly reasonable explanation." 

Diego crossed his arms together. "Uh huh." 

The ringing went off again and Five made the universal _just a moment_ gesture with his index finger, then put the phone to his ear. 

"Apologies," Five said. "I pressed the wrong button, earlier. I didn't mean to ignore your call." 

Diego huffed. 

"No," Five said. "I'll be home soon, I just wanted to hang out with Vanya for a bit." 

Five winced. 

Diego could hear Ben's voice, high pitched and angry. 

"Okay fine," Five said. "I'm actually with Diego." 

_Give him shit, Ben,_ Diego thought. _Little weasel._

"I'm not lying this time," Five said. "Look, I'll put you on speaker." 

Five held his phone out towards Diego. 

"Say hello," Five demanded. 

Diego smirked and mimed zipping his lips shut. 

"I'm going to tell Luther," Ben said. "He's going to… uh, he'll do something?" 

_Luther will do fuck all,_ Diego thought, sighing. _That idiot is too soft._

_"Say_ something, Diego," Five growled. 

Diego shook his head, still smirking. 

"Since when do you lie to _me?"_ Ben said. 

"Since you became a tattle tale," Five said. 

"That's not true!"

"You _just_ said you were going to rat me out to Luther," Five said. "So which is it? Are you a vault or are you an alarm?" 

Diego sighed and turned back around, glaring out the windshield. 

What was he doing, getting distracted like this? He had a fucking job to do. 

"I won't tell Luther," Ben said. "But can you please tell me where you are? It's going to get dark soon. It's… I'm worried." 

"Don't be worried, Ben," Diego said, without looking at Five. "He's with me. We're at Patch's place."

 _"Oh,"_ Ben said. "Why didn't you just say so?" 

"Because Diego's an asshole," Five said. "He wanted to watch us squirm." 

Diego rolled his eyes. 

"Okay," Ben said. "I'm sorry for being clingy." 

"You don't need to be sorry," Five said. "Just… I'll be back in time for… I'll…" 

Diego glanced back. 

Five was glowering at his phone. 

"I get it," Ben said. "Thanks." 

"See you later," Five said. "I'm hanging up, alright?" 

"See you later," Ben said. 

Five pressed the end call button and shoved his phone into his pocket. 

"Okay, listen," Five said. "Let me be Number Two."

"The fuck?" 

"I'll be your Number Two," Five insisted. "You're in charge, hmm? Doesn't that work?" 

Diego squinted at him. 

"C'mon," Five said. "It's free labor!" 

"You're a minor," Diego said. "This sick fuck, in that house right there? He's a domestic abuser." 

"So what?" Five said. "I've killed a man." 

Diego winced. 

"I've killed _three_ men," Five said. "The first was at that museum-" 

"I get it," Diego said. "But this isn't like the Umbrella Academy missions." 

"Isn't it?" Five said. "You've got the same fucking domino mask." 

Diego sighed. 

"Think of it like an audition," Five said. "If my performance is... inadequate, you just, you can fire me." 

Diego groaned. 

"If I'm a shit Number Two," Five said. "Then you can bench me. I won't bother you again. Unless you ask for help, that is. In which case, I'm always happy to oblige." 

"I _know_ you're happy to fucking oblige," Diego snapped. "That's the whole… fuck." 

"The whole _what?"_ Five said. "Is this about Allison?" 

Diego shook his head. "Listen up. On a stake out, silence is king." 

"That so?" 

"Yes," Diego said. "So shut the fuck up." 

"Yessir," Five said. "As you command, Number One."

"Uh huh," Diego said. "And cut the sarcasm." 

Five smirked. "Will do." 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Patch was worried about Five. 

"I just haven't seen him around," Patch said. "Is he doing okay? Behaving himself?" 

"Not seeing him is proof isn't it?" Diego said. "He's not driving anymore." 

_Because Baby Five doesn't know how to drive,_ Diego thought. _But she doesn't need to know there's two of them._

"It isn't necessarily proof," Patch said. "He could still be, like, grieving." 

"Grieving?" Diego said. "Why would he be grieving?" 

Patch frowned. "Diego, it hasn't been that long since your Dad died." 

Diego scowled. "So?" 

"I know you were estranged," Patch said. "But wasn't Five still living with him? It must have been… more fresh." 

Diego tilted his head. "Uh." 

"It didn't even occur to you?" 

Diego shrugged. 

"Of course not," Patch said. "Why am I even surprised?" 

"But Five hated him," Diego said. "We all did. So, it was like: good riddance." 

"Maybe," Patch said. "But grief is complicated." 

"What's so complicated?" Diego said. "Five has the run of the house now. He does whatever he wants. He's fine." 

"I hope so," Patch said. 

Diego ran a hand through his hair. "Do you… did you want to see him?" 

Patch shoved her hands in her pockets. "I just can't stop thinking about that day." 

"What day?" 

"The day I met him," Patch said. "At the motel, remember?" 

_Shit,_ Diego thought. _The hell is she talking about?_

"When Klaus was kidnapped by those thugs," Patch said. "I was trying to find him for you, but before I could go in Five showed up and moved me." 

_Fuck!_ Diego thought. _The day she didn't die!_

"Um," Diego said. "Right. Just… just moved you?" 

"With his powers," Patch said. "The teleport jump. I knew about your family in theory, but it was still strange to see it in action. I guess that's why it left such an impression." 

He tried to ask nonchalantly, "Where did he put you?" 

"Hmm?" 

"When he moved you," Diego said. "Also, you just… you just let him?" 

"He jumped me to the police station," Patch said. "It was the most baffling thing. I just see this random little boy walk up to me and he grabs my elbow and then _whoosh._ We're at the station." 

"Pretty rude," Diego said, swallowing around the lump in his throat. 

"I guess so," Patch said. "But after the jump he says 'Look, I couldn't let you stay there.' and then he just disappeared." 

Diego nodded solemnly. 

"Later, I learned his name," Patch said. "He became infamous at the station. The prodigy thirteen year old that insisted on driving." 

Diego cleared his throat. "You wanna see him?" 

"Sure?" Patch said. "I don't… and do what?" 

"I dunno," Diego said. "We can take him somewhere. Uh… miniature golf?" 

Patch chuckled. "Nah." 

"B-bowling?" 

She studied him. "Are you okay?" 

Diego sighed. "Nevermind. It's the wrong Five anyway." 

"What do you mean?" 

Diego rubbed the back of his neck and searched for the right words. A way to explain the fucked up chaos that was his family. 

"Th-they… th-th-they..." 

Diego groaned in frustration. 

"It's okay," Patch said. "You can tell me later." 

Diego nodded stoically. 

"Bowling sounds fun," Patch said. 

"Good," Diego said. "I'll ask him." 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Bowling was hella awkward and Klaus was no help. 

"This is the cutest double date," Klaus whispered. "that I have _ever_ been on." 

Up at the bowling lane, Five was lecturing Patch about momentum and the laws of motion or some shit. He claimed math was the key to all his perfect strikes. 

"And aren't they so precious together?" Klaus went on. "She looks ready to adopt him." 

"Shut up," Diego said.

"All you need is an accounting degree," Klaus said. "And you'd have the perfect little nuclear family. You'd-" 

"Okay, first of all," Five said, strolling towards them with a lazy smirk. "Diego's too dumb for college." 

"Fuck you too," Diego muttered. 

"Secondly," Five said. "Ben already decided. Luther's the family dad. And we already have Mom as a mom, so-" 

"Oh _my,"_ Klaus said. "Incestuous!" 

Five scowled. "Don't make me smack you." 

Behind Five, Patch managed to get a strike on her second turn. 

"Yeah, baby!" Patch cheered. "You were right!" 

She practicality skipped towards Five and they high-fived each other. 

"Precious," Klaus said. "Wholesome. The most-" 

"That's it," Five said. "I'm smacking you." 

Diego beat him to it, lightly slapping Klaus upside the head. 

Klaus pouted. "Nobody loves me." 

"Aw," Patch said. "That can't be true?" 

"It's true," Five said. 

Diego glared at the ceiling. "I love you, alright? I love both of you." 

Klaus gasped. "Did ya hear that Five?!" 

Five rolled his eyes. 

Klaus tried to pull Five into a hug, but Five teleported back towards the bowling lane. 

"Let us love you!" Klaus called, chasing after him. 

Five jumped again, even further away this time.

"Let me cuddle you!" Klaus said. "You know you want to!" 

Patch chuckled. "You've got a great family." 

Diego shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah." 

"Is something bothering you?" Patch said.

"Nah," Diego said. "Uh, would it freak you out if I L bomb you too?" 

Patch smirked. "Is that what we're calling it now?" 

Diego cleared his throat. "I love you. I was a coward, before. But I loved you back then and I still love you now." 

Patch laughed. 

"The fuck," Diego grumbled. "Don't laugh at me." 

She gave him a head pat. "I can probably work my way up to loving you again. Maybe." 

"Maybe?" 

"Yep," Patch said. "Take it or leave it." 

Diego pursed his lips. "That sounds… fair." 

Five suddenly appeared on Diego's lap.

"Shit," Five said. "Miscalculated." 

Impulsively, Diego put his arms around the little turd and gave him a squeeze. 

"Hey!" Five said. "Fuck off!" 

His hands glowed blue, but nothing happened. He remained where he was and Diego smirked. 

"Out of juice, then?" Diego said. "Guess you're shit out of luck." 

"I can and will bite you," Five said.

Diego chuckled, and held his hands up and away. 

Five stood up and primly dusted himself off.

"No fair!" Klaus called. "That was _my_ win. I deserve that hug!"

Five flipped him off. 

"The most precious," Patch said. "The wholesome-est." 

Klaus grinned at her. "Somebody _gets_ me." 

"Yeah, yeah," Diego said. "Whose turn is it?" 

"Numero dos," Klaus said, saluting him. 

"Got it," Diego said. "Watch me kick ass." 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He did not kick ass. By the end of the game Five won with Patch coming in second and Klaus third. 

On the car ride home, Klaus wouldn't shut up about it. 

"Don't pout," Klaus said. "You're too cute when you pout." 

"Don't quote Mom at me, jackass." 

"Such a sore loser," Five said. "How have you survived life's failures all these years?"

"I'm not a sore loser," Diego said. _"You're_ a sore winner."

Five scoffed. 

"Who wants ice cream?" Klaus said. "Something _really_ choco-licious." 

"Choco-licious," Five echoed. "Hmm." 

"Fine," Diego said. "We can stop by the store." 

"Fuck yeah!" Klaus said. "You're the best!" 

"Yeah, yeah." 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The worst part about living at home again was the utter chaos. 

Sometimes you walk in the door and right into a goddamn screaming match. 

"How could you _say_ that?!" Ben was yelling. "You just had to ruin it!" 

Klaus was cackling that sinister little weasel laugh. It was kind of nostalgic sounding, but also really annoying.

"They're gay icons!" Klaus said, giggling. "It's not _my_ fault." 

"I'm gonna kill you!" Ben shouted. "I'm going to literally murder you and no one will mourn your loss!" 

Diego heard them long before he saw them running past the entryway and up the stairs. 

"I'm un-killable!" Klaus said. "I'm a vampire!" 

Five materialized at the bottom of the stairs and sighed, rubbing his temples. 

"The hell are they fighting about?" Diego said.

"Klaus ruined pirates," Five said. "Ben was… attached. But now it's over."

"Ruined them?" Diego said. "By calling them gay icons?" 

Five avoided eye contact. "I'm not a homophobe. It's not about _who_ they do it with. Boy or girl, I don't care." 

"Do what with?" 

Five shifted on his feet. "Never you mind."

He disappeared in his usual spark of blue. 

"Fuck you too," Diego muttered. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It was weird. For most of 2019, nothing seemed strange. They did all that time travel nonsense, saved the world, and then just continued with their lives as if nothing had happened. 

"Maybe the paradox triggered it," Luther said. "Because there's two Fives. Maybe it caused a glitch?" 

Five was using Luther's shoulders as his own personal ladder so he could write on the upper corner of his dry erase board wall. 

He took advantage of the position to lightly smack Luther on the head. 

"There. _Isn't._ A. Paradox," Five growled. 

"Looks like there _is,_ bro," Diego said. "You've just gotta accept it." 

"It can't be a coincidence," Luther said. "There weren't any timeline changes until after you got here." 

"So every glitch is my fault?" Five said. "If that _were_ the case I'd be justified in jumping back to 2002." 

"No," Diego said. "You're staying here." 

Luther looked apologetic, but he tried to be stern. "We already agreed-" 

"Shut up," Five said. "I'm not reneging." 

Diego rolled his eyes at the fancy word, but kept his mouth shut about it. 

"Um, so the next thing I noticed," Luther said. "is that Snowden is gone. He was a famous journalist." 

They were helping Five keep tabs on all the timeline changes. 

Five was a wiz at historical differences because he had most of the original timeline's history memorized, but he didn't know anything about the years between 2002 and 2019. 

"What was he famous for?" Five said. 

"He was a whistleblower," Diego said. "He let the public in on the government's shady shit." 

"I see," Five said. "Assassinated?" 

"Yeah," Luther said. "Before he could leak anything." 

"Interesting," Five said. "To what end?" 

"Isn't it obvious?" Diego said. "The Commission wants an orwellian government." 

"Fancy word," Five said, smirking down at Diego. 

Diego laughed. 

"We should take this seriously," Luther said. "If the Commission is really trying to control the government, we need to do something." 

"Hmm," Five said. "We should do more research on President Hillary Clinton." 

"Yeah,” Diego said. “She’s hella suspicious.” 

"What?" Luther said. "I thought she was nice." 

"Dude," Diego said. "Benghazi?" 

Luther frowned. "Is that… a place?" 

Diego sighed. "You need to pay more attention to politics." 

"What happened at Benghazi?" Five said. 

"It's another timeline change," Diego said. "Probably the reason Hilary was able to win the election. The Commission fixed it for her, or something." 

"Interesting," Five said. "Elaborate." 

So Diego did.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The three of them spent a lot of time obsessing over the timeline, but then Vanya decided to rain on their parade. 

"This is unhealthy," Vanya said. 

"It is?" Luther said. "Why?" 

"You can't carry the fate of the world on your shoulders," Vanya said. "You have to accept that some things are out of your hands." 

"Fuck that," Five said.

"Yeah fuck that," Diego said. "We're _heroes._ We can't just let the Commission do whatever the hell they want." 

"Guys," Vanya said. "How exactly are you going to stop them? Where even _are_ they?" 

Luther scratched his head. "Um…" 

"You guys _saw_ their headquarters," Diego said. "It's in 1955, remember?" 

Luther blinked. 

"There you go," Five said. "We'll dig up the briefcase and we'll-" 

"No," Vanya said. "That's unacceptable." 

"Fuck off," Diego said. "You're not Number One." 

"Hold on," Luther said. "The numbers are gone." 

"Look Vanya," Five said. "We're not just doing this for the world." 

"I know you mean well," Vanya said. "But you can't-" 

"We're doing it for the _family,"_ Five said. "The time police could use some policing. If they blow up the world it doesn't just affect civilians. It would hurt _you guys."_

Luther was tearing up, the big lug. Diego awkwardly patted him on the back. 

"Five," Vanya said. "Don't you ever think it would be nice to have a normal life? To just… to get the chance to be a normal kid?" 

"Dad ruined that for us," Diego said. "And anyway, what's so great about being 'normal' huh? You want to be _extra_ ordinary?" 

Vanya sighed. 

"Diego makes a good point," Five said. 

"Listen," Luther said. "We're going to be careful about it. We'll plan it out. We're not just blindly charging into battle this time." 

"Fine," Vanya said. "But you can't take Five with you. He's too young." 

"The hell I am!" Five said. 

"She probably has a point," Luther said. "You can help with the planning, but I don't want you going anywhere, uh, or anywhen near the Commission." 

"What?" Five said. "That's ridiculous." 

"They're assassins," Diego said. _"Professional_ assassins. Nothing like the petty thugs you're used to." 

"Wow," Five said. "I see how it is." 

“We love you,” Luther said. “So we just-”

“Shut up,” Five said. “Good luck without me, morons.” 

And Five teleported out of the room. Of fucking course. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The mission was a bust. They spent six weeks in 1955, but the Commission was a ghost organization. They weren’t _anywhere._

“At least it won’t be obvious,” Diego said. “I’m calibrating this thing so we show up in 2020 exactly a minute after we left.” 

Luther frowned. “You want to lie about it?” 

Diego shrugged. 

“We need to be honest with each other,” Luther said. “We need to-”

“Okay, okay,” Diego said. “God damn. Be as honest as you want.” 

“Thank you,” Luther said. 

“Don’t thank me,” Diego said. “Jesus. You ready to go?” 

“Yeah,” Luther said. “Let’s go home.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Five was waiting for them, sitting behind Dad’s desk like a little prince. 

“Well?” Five examined his nails. “You fix it?” 

“I’m sorry,” Luther said. “We couldn’t find them.” 

“Figures,” Five said.

“We did our best, alright?” Diego said. “You don’t have to be a shitheel about it.” 

“Uh huh,” Five said. “Let me know when you’re ready to try again.” 

“Again?” Luther said. 

“Yeah,” Five said. “If you take _me_ with you, we’ll find them for sure.” 

Diego scoffed. 

“You always doubt me,” Five said. “But we all know I’m the genius in this family. Just because I’m younger-”

“I understand,” Luther said. “We can try again. But when you’re older, okay?” 

Five squinted at him. “When I turn fourteen?” 

“Eighteen,” Luther said. 

“Fifteen,” Five said. 

“Seventeen,” Luther said. 

“Jesus Christ,” Diego said. 

“Sixteen,” Five said. 

“No,” Luther said. “Seventeen. That’s the deal.” 

Five sighed. 

“Wow,” Diego said. “Well, great. Can’t wait for that.” 

Five cleared his throat. “Well. There’s something to be said for making an effort. Good job, boys.” 

Diego blinked. 

“Let this experience be a lesson to you,” Five continued. “The Umbrella Academy’s strength is in numbers. The two of you alone… well, you can’t do shit.” 

_“Wow,”_ Diego said. “That’s... damn.” 

“You make a good point,” Luther said. “I’ll keep that in mind.” 

“See that you do,” Five said, primly. “I’ll be going now.” 

He teleported. 

“Did he just roast us?” Diego said. 

“Yup,” Luther said. “He did.” 

“God damn,” Diego said. “I can’t even get mad about it.” 

Luther chuckled. “Should we throw a pity party?” 

“Fuck yes,” Diego said. “I want donuts.” 

“Okay,” Luther said. “And I want pizza.” 

“Great combination,” Diego said. “And, uh, we can watch the game?” 

“Which game?” 

“I dunno,” Diego said. “Any game. Let’s see what’s on.” 

“Sounds good,” Luther said. 

They nodded at each other. Stoically. 

_It’s fine,_ Diego thought. _Some shit is just out of our fucking hands._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case it wasn't clear, this chapter is taking place from November 2019 up to around February/ March 2020
> 
> The next chapter will pick up after the 4th Apocalypse Glitch.


	2. Deprogramming ourselves

_I am so angry with myself because I cannot do what I should like to do, and at such a moment one feels as if one were lying bound hand and foot at the bottom of a deep dark well, utterly helpless._

_― Vincent van Gogh_

  
  


Five teleported to Patch's apartment, but was careful to land _outside_ her door. For politeness sake. 

He calmly rang the doorbell and patiently stood in place, placidly biting into the skin on his lips until he bled. 

When she _finally_ opened the door, he tried to give her a winning smile. 

"Good evening, Detective," Five said. "By any chance, is my brother in?" 

"Are you _bleeding?"_ Patch said. 

Five wiped at his mouth. "No. Where's Diego?" 

Patch gestured for him to come inside and Five followed her into the living room. She sat, so Five figured that was the expected thing. 

He sat. 

"I'll call him," Patch said. "But first, is there anything I can do for you?" 

Five squinted at her. "Where is he?" 

Patch sighed. "He said he was going undercover." 

"Undercover?" Five echoed. "As what? For what reason?" 

Patch shrugged. 

"When's the last time you saw him?" Five said. "Isn't he _living_ here? Or did he lie? Did he-" 

"Whoa," Patch said. "He didn't lie. He _is_ living here." 

"Then. Where. _Is._ He?" 

"This is the third day," Patch said. "He said it would take a week tops. Then he'd come back." 

Abruptly, Five stood. 

"Five?" 

"I understand," Five said. "I should have called ahead, but I thought this particular conversation would… be better served in person." 

"What conversation?" Patch said. 

"Umbrella Academy business," Five said. "But there's no need to panic." 

"Okay," Patch said. "I get it, but… you realize the police are an option too?" 

"Pardon?" 

"I can help you," Patch said. "Would you like some help?" 

Five shook his head. "This is above your paygrade." 

Normally, this was the part where the other person would be insulted. 

But Patch didn't look insulted. 

"Tell me anyway," Patch said. "I can't help you. I get that. But tell me anyway." 

Five squinted at her. "That's pointless." 

"Please?" 

"When Diego is back," Five said. "You let him know I was here." 

"Okay," Patch said. "I'll do that." 

"I'll be going," Five said. "Have a good day." 

"Thank you," Patch said. "You too." 

He nodded at her, then warped back to the academy. 

Then, in a childish fit of unexpected rage, he threw a chair out of the nearest window. 

Five heard someone shouting in alarm, but quickly rewound time so that the window repaired itself and the chair returned where it belonged. 

Embarrassed by the tantrum, Five locked himself in his room for the rest of the day. 

_There's. No. Need. To._ **_Panic,_ ** Five told himself sternly. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Nearly two weeks later, he got a call from Diego. 

"I heard what happened," Diego said, gruffly. "I'm a shitheel for keeping my phone off. So. Sorry." 

"I understand you were on a mission," Five said. 

"Yeah," Diego said. "But I should have kept my phone on. I even promised Patch… but, uh, I broke my promise because I thought it would compromise-" 

"That's enough," Five said. "It's in the past. Let's move on, shall we?" 

"Okay," Diego said. "So, uh, Luther said there's an Apocalypse Glitch." 

"Indeed," Five said. "The theory is: the Commission is a foolhardy organization that is… that keeps fucking up." 

"Yeah," Diego said. "And they even tried to get Old Five… um, but he didn't have a solution." 

"Don't dance around it," Five said. "They returned his memories, but it didn't stick." 

"Sorry," Diego said. "Um, but Luther said that Old Five said-" 

"Nevermind what they said," Five said. "Our course of action is clear." 

"It is?" 

"We have to find the Commission," Five said. "We have to go to 1955." 

Silence on the other end of the phone.

"Let me make one thing absolutely clear," Five said. "I do _not_ need permission. It's well within my right to dig up the briefcase on my own. I _can_ and _will_ go on a solo mission if I have to." 

"Shit," Diego said. 

"However," Five said. "I am of the belief that your skills would be useful. It would make the whole thing… quicker." 

"Alright," Diego said. "I get it." 

"You do?" 

"It's better than Luther's plan," Diego said. "No way in hell am I letting him send you and Ben back to Dad." 

Five swallowed around the lump in his throat.

"We can't tell Luther," Diego continued. "We can't tell anyone. They won't want you going." 

"Then we're in agreement?" Five said. 

"Yeah," Diego said. "Here's what we're gonna do: when everyone's asleep you sneak over here." 

"Where?" 

"My apartment," Diego said. "You know, just blink over. Then we go dig up the briefcase. We've gotta dig _fast_ though." 

"Why?" 

"They can't notice we're gone," Diego said. "They'd freak out." 

"Oh," Five said. "Right." 

"So then we go to 55," Diego said. "We try to find those sons of bitches." 

"Right…" 

"And when we come back," Diego said. "It'll be like we never left. We'll bury that briefcase again and you'll drop me back off at my apartment." 

"Oh?" 

"Patch doesn't even need to know I was gone," Diego said. "Like: grab me from the bathroom. She'll think I was taking a shit." 

"Diego?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Is Patch okay?" 

"What do you mean?" 

Five sighed. "Nevermind." 

_She must be like Ben,_ Five thought. _Abandonment issues?_

"It's better than nothing, right?" Diego said. 

"Yes," Five said. "Thank you." 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Three months. They looked for three months. Then they ran out of money. 

They had no choice, so they returned to 2021. 

While planting the briefcase back into its hole in the garden, Klaus spotted them. 

He ratted them out. 

There was an emergency family meeting. 

"You said you were going to the _bathroom!"_ Ben shrieked. 

Five winced. 

"Let's stay calm," Luther said. 

"How could you leave like that?" Ben shouted. "What if you'd _died?"_

 _At least he isn't crying,_ Five thought. _Yelling is better than crying._

"I kept him safe," Diego said. "We were careful." 

Throughout all the back and forth, Five remained silent. 

So did Vanya. 

She simply looked at him. 

She didn't scowl, or cry, or even frown at him. She was completely expressionless. 

_Go ahead,_ Five thought. _Tell me I'm unhealthy._

She did not. 

Five expected her to abandon the family meeting halfway through, as she'd done so many times before, but she didn't do that either. 

He kept his eyes locked on hers and she on his and they both simply sat there, ignoring the talking heads around them. 

Then Luther finally said, "This isn't productive. And it's late. We should go to bed. Cool off. Talk again tomorrow." 

"Thank God," Diego said.

 _Now_ Ben looked like he wanted to cry. 

"Are you going to come to my room, Five?" Ben said. "I won't yell anymore, yeah? I'm sorry for losing my temper." 

"Don't be sorry," Five said. "You have every right to lose your temper." 

"But-" 

Five grabbed Ben by the elbow and pulled him through a spatial jump. 

They landed on the bed. 

"I'm sorry," Five said. "I'm really really sorry. Please, don't cry."

Ben cried anyway, but Five decided that was fine. He gave Ben all the cuddles he needed and let him cry. 

Neither of them slept that night. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Five abstained from further family meetings. 

It was the principal of the thing. 

Luther protested, at first, but quickly gave up. 

_Spineless,_ Five thought. _Diego's a better Number One._

But it was just as well. Time went by. The Apocalypse Glitch did not return. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


When the robot was finished Five was curious. Of course he was curious. But she was always with Luther. 

So Five found himself spying on her in an effort to catch her alone. Or, if not alone, at least Luther-less. 

On one such occasion, Diego caught him. 

"The hell are you doing?" Diego said. 

"Shhh!" 

The robot, having excellent hearing no doubt, glanced their way. Luther started to turn around too.

Five grabbed Diego and jumped them both back to his room. 

"Ugh," Diego said. "You're supposed to _warn_ me, asshole." 

"You blew my _cover,_ asshole." 

"Wow," Diego said. "You're quite the little detective, aren't you?" 

"Fuck off," Five said. "What do you want?" 

"Same as you, I guess. I wanted to meet Mom's new sister." 

Five pursued his lips. "Think you can get her away from Luther?" 

"You still avoiding him?" 

Five shrugged.

"That's not cool, bro." 

"Like I give a damn," Five said. "Can you do it or not?" 

"Nope," Diego said. "I'm done enabling you." 

"Jesus Christ!" Five said. "They got to you too?" 

Diego scowled. 

"Brainwashed," Five said. "All of you." 

"It's not brainwashing," Diego said. "Look, I don't like therapy either. It's not like _I'm_ going." 

Five pointed at him accusingly. "But you've adopted the lingo!" 

"Some of it works," Diego said. "We can't write the _whole_ thing off."

"Yes, we fucking can," Five said. "God fucking dammit." 

"Anyway," Diego said. "You can't avoid Luther." 

"I do what I fucking want," Five said. 

"You _shouldn't,"_ Diego said. "I bet it's killing him." 

Five frowned. "You used it wrong." 

"Huh?" 

"It's not killing him," Five said. "That's too positive." 

Diego squinted at him. "What?" 

"Nevermind," Five said. "Anyway, so what? He should have thought of that before he let me down." 

"He did his best," Diego said. "And it's not like it's all on him. _I_ failed too." 

"That's different." 

"Is it?" Diego said. "Looks exactly the same to me." 

"You _actually_ did your best," Five said. "Luther just gave up." 

"No, he didn't." 

"Yes, he did." 

"No, he-" 

"Let's agree to disagree," Five said. "Now, get the fuck out of my room."

Diego crossed his arms together. "Make me." 

And just like that… they were fighting. 

Out and out brawling, like in the old days, throwing punches and kicks and trying to pin each other down. 

The noise got attention, but Five wasn't about to allow an interruption. He teleported them both to the training room and Diego shook off the vertigo and continued right where they'd left off. 

They fought until their knuckles were bleeding, until their skin started bruising, until they were sweating like two pigs in a sauna, and then finally Diego said, "Uncle!" 

They sprang apart, panting. 

"Thanks," Diego said, wiping at the blood dripping down his nose. "I needed that." 

"Concur." 

Diego took a deep breath and slowly let it out. Then he said, "Wanna watch a movie or something?" 

"My choice?" 

"Sure." 

"Alright." 

Diego nodded, and frowned thoughtfully at the ceiling. "Uh, I love you." 

Five laughed. 

"You've gotta say it back," Diego grumbled. 

"Alright," Five said. "Love you too. Damn." 

Again, Diego nodded. 

Then they watched a movie. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Diego wouldn't let it go. He was worried about Luther's delicate little feelings. 

"This is unacceptable," Diego said. "And it's beneath you." 

"Excuse me?" 

"Avoiding Luther like this," Diego said. "You know what it is?" 

Five frowned at him. "I know you're about to tell me." 

Five half expected one of those convoluted therapy words, but instead Diego took a deep breath and said, "It's _childish."_

Five scowled. 

"Dictionary definition," Diego said. "The most accurate use of the word. Tell me I'm wrong." 

Five shifted uncomfortably. 

"You're better than this," Diego said. "You're a goddamn hero, aren't you?" 

"We retired," Five muttered. "Isn't that what everyone keeps saying?" 

Diego shook his head. "Being a hero isn't about going on missions. It's not about saving the world or… or stopping bank robberies." 

Five flinched. 

"It's about being a decent human being," Diego said, quickly. "It's about treating your fellow man with kindness and shit." 

"Wooow," Five said. "Did Patch help you with that little speech?" 

"Yes, she fucking did," Diego said. "Because I'm not a blockhead who ignores the people who love me." 

"God damn," Five said. "Roasted." 

"Damn straight." 

"Hmm," Five said. "Alright." 

"Alright?" 

"You make a good point," Five said. "I'll talk to Luther." 

Diego blinked. "Really?" 

Five raised his eyebrows. "Isn't that what you wanted?" 

"Uh, yeah," Diego said. "Um, thanks." 

"Don't thank me." 

"Why not?" 

"Huh?" 

"You say that a lot," Diego said. "Both of you." 

Five frowned. "I hate being compared with the doppelganger." 

"Sorry," Diego said. "It's just… like, I never thought much of it? I thought it was, like, a cool way of saying your welcome without saying your welcome." 

"Isn't it?" 

"I dunno," Diego said. _"Is_ it?" 

"What are you getting at?" 

"I don't fucking know," Diego said. "I'm not built for this shit. Maybe we should bring it up with Vanya." 

"Please, don't." 

"Okay," Diego said. "One problem at a time." 

Five sighed. 

"Then you'll talk to Luther?" 

"I _said_ I would," Five said. "You think I'm lying?" 

"Low key?" Diego said. "Yeah." 

"The fuck does 'low key' mean?" 

"Sorry," Diego said. "Klaus is infecting me with all his internet slang." 

"Ugh." 

"Just let me go with you," Diego said. "Probably less awkward that way?" 

“What, right now?” 

_“Yes,”_ Diego said. “Right fucking now.” 

“But-”

“No,” Diego said. “Not another damn word. We’re going. You’re talking to him.” 

Five groaned. 

“Chop chop,” Diego said. “Goddamn _ándale.”_

“I don’t even know who you are anymore.” 

Diego snorted. “I fucking concur.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They decided to meet in Luther’s office. 

“Do you want to sit behind the desk?” Luther said. 

Five frowned at him. “No.” 

“You like sitting there,” Luther said. 

“Bro,” Diego said. _“You_ should sit there. It’s _your_ desk.” 

“I know but-”

“You see?” Five said. “This is your whole problem.” 

Luther scratched at his head. “Being too generous with Dad’s desk?” 

“It’s not Dad’s desk,” Diego said. “We made it fucking official. _You_ inherited the office.” 

Luther nodded, then hesitantly sat behind the damn desk. 

Diego sat in one of the chairs in front of the desk and said, “This seat under my ass? Wasn’t here when Dad was alive.” 

“Right,” Luther said. “I added them for little meetings like this.” 

Five was tempted to stand up on the second chair, but restrained himself. He sat down. Like an adult. 

“There you go,” Diego said. “It’s simple.” 

“Okay,” Luther said. “Um, I’m sorry, Five. For disrespecting the office?” 

“Stop apologizing,” Five said. “That’s your _second_ problem.” 

“You know what?” Diego said. “Five makes a good point.” 

“What do you mean?” Luther said. 

“Have some dignity,” Five said. “Self flagellation is unseemly.” 

Luther blinked. 

Diego laughed. 

“What?” Luther said. 

“Oh my god,” Diego said. “I think I get it now.” 

Five squinted at him. 

“You do?” Luther said. “Can you explain it to me?” 

“Nah, hold on,” Diego said. “Hey, Five?” 

Five glared at the ceiling. “What?” 

“Humor me for a second,” Diego said. “Let’s pretend I’m Vanya.” 

Five looked back down at him. “The fuck?” 

“Just try and tolerate what I’m about to say,” Diego said. “Be nice to me the way you’re usually nice to Vanya. Or, hell, let’s pretend I’m Ben.” 

Five frowned and glanced at Luther. 

For his part, Luther looked as confused as Five felt. 

“Elaborate,” Five said. 

“I know you hate the therapy shit,” Diego said. “I’m right there with you.” 

“Wow,” Five said. “This is… ominous.” 

“Look,” Diego said. “When Luther apologizes how does it make you feel?” 

Five scowled. 

“You’ve gotta answer the question,” Diego said. “Give us a word.” 

“A singular word?” 

“Yeah,” Diego said. “First word that pops into your head. Luther is apologizing. He’s sad and shit. He’s trying to be nice to you because you said he let you down. How do you feel?” 

Five pursed his lips. “Homicidal.” 

Luther sighed. 

“Okay,” Diego said. “Now give us a second word.” 

“Fuck off,” Five said. “We agreed on _one_ word.” 

“Nah,” Diego said. “That was just the starting point.” 

“The hell it was,” Five said. “I don’t have to sit here and play games with you.” 

“Please,” Luther said. “I want to understand where you’re coming from.” 

Five rolled his eyes. 

“Stay quiet for a bit, Luther,” Diego said. “You’re making it worse.” 

“I am?” Luther looked down at his hands. “I’m… I didn’t mean to.” 

Five stood up. “Stop it! Stop acting like this!” 

Diego grinned. “Tell us how he’s acting, Five.” 

“Like a kicked puppy!” Five said. “Like a fucking, like a man with no self respect!” 

Diego stood up too. “Aha! You feel guilty!” 

“Fuck you!” Five said. “This isn’t my responsibility!” 

“What isn’t?” Diego said. 

_“You_ fix him,” Five said. “It’s above my paygrade!’ 

“Fix me?” Luther echoed. 

“Henceforth,” Five said. “I’m promoting Diego to Number One.” 

Diego blinked. 

“It’s become clear to me,” Five said. “that Luther can’t handle the weight.”

Luther tilted his head. “Wow. Um, there’s a lot to unpack there.” 

Five glared at Luther. “You have fun with that, Number Two.” 

Not knowing what else to do, Five teleported to his bedroom. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Maybe Catherine would be a better Number One. She was the same height as Diego, but more muscular. Plus, she actually lived at the academy. She had the freetime, the poise, and the patience that Diego lacked.

Nothing against Diego, but the man could not multitask. He had his P.I. business to worry about, so Five decided the promotion was unreasonable. 

When he finally spotted Catherine alone in the living room, Five strolled up to her with all the nonchalance of a fellow countryman on the battlefield… uh, in between battles. In the lull, when a soldier is driven crazy with idleness. 

“Did Luther buy the suit for you?” Five said. 

Catherine was trussed up in a sleek black suit. She looked like a secret service agent, minus the sunglasses and earpiece. 

“Yes,” Catherine said. “Though I selected it. Snazzy, don’t you think?” 

“Very,” Five said. “You’re radiant.” 

Catherine smiled at him. “You’re not so bad yourself.”

Five grinned and adjusted his tie. Today he was wearing a crimson dress shirt with a pencil thin black tie and black shorts. 

“I’m pleased to finally make your acquaintance,” Catherine said. “You’ve made yourself a bit of a ghost.” 

“Apologies,” Five said. “You were with Luther and I was… being childish.” 

“A child’s right,” Catherine said. 

Five rolled his eyes. “I suppose.” 

“Or perhaps not,” Catherine said. “Perhaps you should resolve your issue with Luther?” 

Five sighed. “It’s not something I can handle.” 

“That so?” Catherine said. “You think it’s beneath you?” 

“The opposite,” Five said. “I just think-”

“Whoa!” Diego burst into the room, panting. “What’s going on here?” 

Five frowned at him. “Where’s the fire?” 

“No fire,” Diego said, chuckling nervously. “Just… what’s up?” 

“Good heavens,” Catherine said. “You’re a strange one.” 

“Fuck off,” Diego said. “Go do… whatever it is you do.” 

“Uh huh,” Catherine said. “I’ll recognize that as a dismissal, then?” 

“The hell?” Five said. “Why should you be dismissed?” 

“Never you mind, little Five,” Catherine said. “I will ask this though: Diego, did you turn on the security cameras?” 

Five scowled, turning that question over in his head. 

Diego shoved his hands in his pockets. “What? No.” 

Catherine grinned. “You’re a terrible liar.” 

Five glared at Diego. “I didn’t know we had security cameras.” 

“Isn’t that your job anyway, little _Cathy?”_ Diego said. “What are you doing down here? Go man the security room.” 

“No, thank you,” Catherine said. “In fact, I’ll be dismantling the whole system.” 

“What the fuck?” Diego said. “You can’t do that.” 

“I can,” Catherine said. “So I will.” 

Five chuckled. 

“You should run it by Luther,” Diego said. “You can’t just… you can’t go around him like that.” 

“Very well,” Catherine said. “I’ll discuss it with him first.” 

Diego eyed her suspiciously. “You will?” 

“Sure,” Catherine said. “It’s no loss. I’m confident he’ll see things my way.” 

“Or maybe he’ll see things _my_ way,” Diego said. “We should have a family meeting.” 

“What sort?” Catherine said. “A small one or a big one?” 

“I reserved the right,” Five said. “to abstain from all family meetings.” 

“Good lad,” Catherine said. “I acknowledge your right.” 

“A small meeting,” Diego said. “Just me, you, and Luther. We’ll work out the details later, so get out of here.” 

Catherine saluted him sarcastically and strolled out of the room. 

“Wow,” Five said. “You’ve sure got a stick up your ass.” 

Abruptly, Diego knelt on the ground. 

Five blinked. 

Diego bowed, pressing his forehead to the floor. 

“The hell are you doing?!” Five said. 

“I’m groveling,” Diego said. “I’m _begging_ you.” 

“What?” Five said. “Why? Get up.” 

“No,” Diego said. “Not until you agree to do a favor for me.” 

“What is it?” Five said, quickly. “You need help? Just get up. I’ll do whatever you need.” 

“I’m not joking around with this one.” Diego glanced up and made careful eye contact. “I need you to stay away from Catherine.” 

_“What?”_

“Just steer clear,” Diego said. “There’s something wrong with her. She’s malfunctioning.” 

Five knelt beside him. “Will you get up?” 

Diego grabbed his hands. “Are you agreeing? Can you promise?” 

“Fine!” Five said. “Now get up. Get up!” 

Instead of getting up, Diego hugged him. 

“Are you _alright?”_ Five said. “Did she do something to you?” 

“No."

“Which one are you answering?” Five said. 

“Just… no.” 

Five huffed. 

“I need to hear you say the words,” Diego said. “Promise you’ll stay away from Catherine. Straight up, you’ve got to teleport out of her sight as soon as you see her." 

"I promise," Five said. "I'll avoid Catherine. I'll blink away if I see her." 

"Great," Diego said. "Actually, you know what? Want to spend a few nights at my apartment?" 

"Huh?" Five said. "With you and Patch?" 

"Yeah." Diego pulled back from the hug and tried for a smile, but it looked fake. "You like Patch, right?" 

"I like her," Five said. "But if Catherine's so dangerous, shouldn't we just dismantle her?" 

"Mom is kind of attached already," Diego said. "We can't… look, I can fix her. Do you believe that?" 

"Sure," Five said. "That's… sure." 

"But in the meantime," Diego said. "Come stay at my place." 

"What about Ben?" Five said. "What about everyone?" 

"Ben can stay at Vanya's place," Diego said. "Everyone else… uh, they're adults. I can't budge them." 

Five frowned. "Walk me through your logic." 

"What do you mean?" 

"What's wrong with Catherine, exactly?" Five said. "She seemed perfectly charming." 

"Bro," Diego said. "You spent two seconds with her. You don't know she's charming." 

"It was an illuminating two seconds," Five said. "I like her, so why-" 

_"No,"_ Diego said. "You can't like her." 

"I can't?" 

"Please," Diego said. "Just… don't do this to me." 

"What are you _talking_ about?" 

"You need me to grovel some more?" Diego said. 

"No!" Five said. "Fine, whatever. Jesus." 

"Thank you," Diego said. "Seriously, this is a huge favor. I appreciate it." 

"Whatever," Five said. "If I'm going to your apartment I have to warn Ben." 

"Okay." 

"Are you sure Ben can't come too?" 

"There's only one couch," Diego said. 

"I can just share the couch with him," Five muttered.

"Really?" Diego said. "It's kind of small." 

"I don't care," Five said. "We can't be separated." 

"That so?" Diego said. "Alright, I'll ask Ben to come too." 

"Good," Five said. "You do that."

“Listen,” Diego said. “I’d like to… apologize. For the inconvenience.” 

“It is what it is,” Five said. “Don’t worry about it.” 

“I’m serious,” Diego said. “I’m seriously apologizing. Will you forgive me?” 

“Fine,” Five said. “You’re forgiven.” 

“Thanks.” Diego smiled in an odd show of relief. “For accepting my apology and stuff.” 

“Your welcome?” Five said. 

Diego beamed. “Hell yeah.” 

“You’re so weird,” Five said. “Can we get up?”

Five stood and tugged Diego to his feet.

“Let me be weird,” Diego muttered. “It’s my right.” 

“Uh huh,” Five said. “Weird flex, but okay.” 

Diego laughed. “I don’t think you’re using that one right.”

Five shrugged. “It’s a work in progress, I guess.” 

“Fuck yeah,” Diego said. “I love progress.” 

“Cause you’ve been brainwashed.” 

“We were brainwashed by _Dad,”_ Diego said. “Now we’re deprogramming ourselves.” 

“That so?” 

“Yup,” Diego said. “So we just… we’ve got to be patient. It’s one big mess.” 

“I can agree with that part, at least.” 

“Good.” Diego put an arm around Five’s shoulders. “So can we blink to my place?” 

“Don’t forget _Ben.”_

“We’ll come back for him,” Diego said. “He’s not even home right now.” 

Five blinked. “He isn’t?” 

“You lost track of his schedule?” 

Five frowned at his shoes. “I’ve been kind of distracted, lately.” 

“Fair enough,” Diego said. “You’ve been dwelling on the Apocalypse Glitch.” 

Five glowered at him.

“There another word you hate in there somewhere?” Diego said, smirking. “What happened to ‘language is language’ huh? You shouldn’t be so sensitive, bro.” 

“Wooow,” Five said. “You’re one to talk.” 

“That’s how you _know_ you’ve got it bad,” Diego said. “If _I’m_ the one calling bullshit.” 

“Huh,” Five said. “I can’t even get mad.” 

“Nope,” Diego said. “So c’mon. Let’s go.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Five said. “Brace yourself for the jump.” 

Diego grinned and then Five was pulling them through space. They landed in front of the front door of Patch and Diego’s apartment. 

“What a minute,” Five said. “What about your car? Why didn’t we just drive?” 

Diego shrugged. “We’ll get my car when we go back for Ben.” 

“But-”

“Aren’t you always saying you want to practice?” Diego said. “I’m letting you practice.” 

Five huffed. “So you’re just messing with me?” 

“Nah,” Diego said. “I’m humoring you.” 

“Same difference.” 

Diego laughed. “Nah.” 

“Oh my god,” Five said. “I hate this family.” 

Diego laughed again. 

In defiance, Five teleported directly _inside_ the apartment, politeness be damned, and settled himself on their couch. He turned the TV on and stretched out like he owned the place. 

Diego had to unlock the door to follow him in. “What are we watching?” 

“A documentary,” Five said. 

“Aw man,” Diego said. “I hate documentaries.” 

“Tough.” 

_Again,_ Diego laughed. 

“Since you’re in such a good mood,” Five said. “You’re going to humor me.” 

“Yessir,” Diego said. “At your service, Number One.” 

Five rolled his eyes. 

“But hey,” Diego said. “You didn’t really mean it, right? When you called Luther Number Two?” 

“The numbers are gone,” Five said. “They’ve been exiled.” 

“Good,” Diego said. “Glad we’re on the same page.” 

“Uh huh,” Five said. “Sit your ass down.” 

Diego sat. 

Then they watched a documentary about Planet Nine until it was time to collect Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this whole series has gotten really corny hasn't it? It kind of started that way, but... dang. I am cringing at myself in shame, but then I'm also like, "No, no, that's the old brainwashing, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Trek on, lad."
> 
> Anyway, I hope you guys are enjoying the turn this story has taken xD 
> 
> Next time on Five is a problem solver: Klaus finally gets another fic! :D Man, I've really missed Klaus.


End file.
